I’ve been contemplating blogging more often as writing can be pretty cathartic. I’ve been having a challenging time processing my thoughts and emotions properly which has led to multiple breakdowns.
There was also the thought of deleting everything and starting afresh. Even going as far as using a pseudonym. But… I’ve grown to be too attached with the name “afifahcookie” to change everything and never be able to revert back to the same name in the future.
I promise I’ll write more in the future. It’s always better and easier to write when everything is still fresh.
I feel empty.
I mean, I started out the day just fine. I had a lot of good food for brunch.
But I guess I’m really sensitive to minor things such as a person’s tone.
If you feel a negative emotion, chances are, I’ll feel negative too. In a way, things have improved ever since I became more self-aware.
But now, I actually feel angry. I’m mad. My heart is pumping fast.
Now… However.. Is a different story. I have tears running down my face. Maybe things will never improve.
I give up.
Left out. My friends would rather talk to a particular few friends about the life than me. Had to scoot a few seats over just so they could sit closer. Tried my hardest to ignore all the giggles and whispers. I might as well just stay home. Alone in my room.
Sad. That my character pushed everyone away. I get it now. Should just stay quiet unless spoken to. My contributions to any conversations are not wanted. I don’t like it when people act the way they do when they’re close like call each other names whatsoever but I myself can’t control everything that comes out of my mouth.
Lonely. Does that mean all my friends are just acquaintances? No one really gets me… I’m either at school, work, home or with my boyfriend. I’m either too weird / awkward / annoying and the list goes on.
Is this why my social circle is dwindling and I can’t make any friends?
I can’t even maintain my relationships with my family. FML. Really, just fuck my life. I’m trash. I’m a waste of space and resources. I’m done. Time to just be a wallflower or nothing.
I was getting worried that I might have my period during the upcoming KL.
I wasn’t looking forward to that because having to find a toilet and change pads would be a huge hassle. Maybe it was time for me to try using tampons instead of pads.
I decided get the Tampax brand because they were having a sale at Fair price. 1 box for $12+ and 2 boxes for 16+. Each box contains 18 tampons with plastic applicators for easier insertion.
Having never used tampons before made me a little bit nervous because I didn’t know what to expect. Will it hurt? How is the plastic applicators any different? Toxic shock syndrome?? O.o
Ended up reading these two useful links which strengthened my resolve to try.
However, it was very nerve-racking. I could hardly stay calm which didn’t help because I could only insert 1/4 of the tampon.
In the end, I gave up after 5 tries.
Maybe, I’ll get it right the next time.
Are we? I don’t know.
It seems like I just can’t seem to connect with anyone anymore. There seems to be a mental block and I feel as though I’m still holding out for you despite all these years.
It doesn’t matter how long it has been since we last met, we can talk about anything under the sun. Enthusiastically. Without skipping a beat. Seconds turn into minutes, minutes turning into hours. Then I find myself prying myself away from you unwillingly, unsure of when we’ll meet again.
It’s hard. It’s hard to get hold of you be it in person or through text. Even for just a few minutes. You seem so busy nowadays, always spending time with someone else. You have your own best friends and I doubt that I can even call myself one.
I even built a love hate relationship with you in my own mind but when we finally manage to spend some time together, just the two of us, I just wish time would go by slower so that I could savour the moment.
I know I can’t connect with you the same way you can with other people who seems to understand you. You probably bring more to the table than I do. Yet, why can’t I let you go?
Goodbye for now and may we cross paths again in the future whenever you decide to do so.
Right now, I’ll just make do with what I have despite feeling pretty detached with the situation that doesn’t really allow for much else. I just hope things will improve.
On 5th August 2017, my family and I decided to go on an outing on our motorbikes. We had no particular plan in mind. Just…. Maybe have a meal here and there, relax somewhere and check out Decathlon at Bedok.
Coincidentally, we travelled around Singapore, always taking the route closest to the water and skipping the centre.
From…. Yishun – Changi Village – Changi Beach Park – Decathlon (Bedok) – Mr Teh Tarik (near Joo Chiat Complex) and finally, Home.
I wish I could have more trips like this. It was definitely an eye-opener to see the other side of Singapore and to improve my riding skills.
I also found out that my riding skills are atrocious; u-turn without using any brakes, both legs on the ground whenever possible or scared, etc.
Challenge: Ride without putting my right leg down unnecessarily.
Hopefully, I’ll be a better rider before next March when I’m finally able to take up my class 2A license.