December

I feel…

Left out. My friends would rather talk to a particular few friends about the life than me. Had to scoot a few seats over just so they could sit closer. Tried my hardest to ignore all the giggles and whispers. I might as well just stay home. Alone in my room.

Sad. That my character pushed everyone away. I get it now. Should just stay quiet unless spoken to. My contributions to any conversations are not wanted. I don’t like it when people act the way they do when they’re close like call each other names whatsoever but I myself can’t control everything that comes out of my mouth.

Lonely. Does that mean all my friends are just acquaintances? No one really gets me… I’m either at school, work, home or with my boyfriend. I’m either too weird / awkward / annoying and the list goes on.

Is this why my social circle is dwindling and I can’t make any friends?

I can’t even maintain my relationships with my family. FML. Really, just fuck my life. I’m trash. I’m a waste of space and resources. I’m done. Time to just be a wallflower or nothing.

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Pads to Tampons

I was getting worried that I might have my period during the upcoming KL.

I wasn’t looking forward to that because having to find a toilet and change pads would be a huge hassle. Maybe it was time for me to try using tampons instead of pads.

I decided get the Tampax brand because they were having a sale at Fair price. 1 box for $12+ and 2 boxes for 16+. Each box contains 18 tampons with plastic applicators for easier insertion.

Having never used tampons before made me a little bit nervous because I didn’t know what to expect. Will it hurt? How is the plastic applicators any different? Toxic shock syndrome?? O.o

Ended up reading these two useful links which strengthened my resolve to try.

1) http://youngwomenshealth.org/2012/09/27/tampons/

2) https://tampax.com/en-us/tips-and-advice/my-first-tampon/how-to-insert-a-tampon

However, it was very nerve-racking. I could hardly stay calm which didn’t help because I could only insert 1/4 of the tampon.

In the end, I gave up after 5 tries.

Maybe, I’ll get it right the next time.

Friends

Are we? I don’t know.

It seems like I just can’t seem to connect with anyone anymore. There seems to be a mental block and I feel as though I’m still holding out for you despite all these years.

It doesn’t matter how long it has been since we last met, we can talk about anything under the sun. Enthusiastically. Without skipping a beat. Seconds turn into minutes, minutes turning into hours. Then I find myself prying myself away from you unwillingly, unsure of when we’ll meet again.

It’s hard. It’s hard to get hold of you be it in person or through text. Even for just a few minutes. You seem so busy nowadays, always spending time with someone else. You have your own best friends and I doubt that I can even call myself one.

I even built a love hate relationship with you in my own mind but when we finally manage to spend some time together, just the two of us, I just wish time would go by slower so that I could savour the moment.

I know I can’t connect with you the same way you can with other people who seems to understand you. You probably bring more to the table than I do. Yet, why can’t I let you go?

Goodbye for now and may we cross paths again in the future whenever you decide to do so.

Right now, I’ll just make do with what I have despite feeling pretty detached with the situation that doesn’t really allow for much else. I just hope things will improve.

Worries

I don’t know why I worry so much.

I’m worried that I might make a mistake. 1 mistake. A tiny mistake. Any mistake at all.

I’m worried that things might not go as planned or as I anticipated. I don’t like doing something without researching or being very sure with my decision despite thinking of myself as a very happy-go-lucky and go-with-the-flow kind of person a few years ago.

I’m worried about what others might think of me. How I look. How I react to them. What I say or do. Whether they like me or not. I know I’m socially awkward and being someone who doesn’t smoke, be active in sports or go out much doesn’t really help me in the social scene.

I’m worried that I might regret my decisions. I have always thought of what I should have done back then instead. I should have joined dance earlier. I should have started playing sports and being more active back then. I should have “glo-ed” up faster. And a million other things.

Am I making the right decisions now that will affect how my life with be in the future? Is this the best course of action for me? Will I even be able to get a job with a Degree in Hospitality Business that is centralised in Singapore? Should I eat this? Can I not work out? Why am I doing this?

Why? What is the meaning of life? I only have to this one life and I want to make it right but I must never forget to live a life worth living. Like my boyfriend once said, “Live like there is no tomorrow but make sure you will still have enough savings to support yourself in the future in case anything happens”, NOT his exact words but…. roughly that, in my own words.